Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category

Hillary Clinton: “No Sex In My White House”

March 10, 2008

After hearing about the article on the website of The New York Times that reported that Governor Spitzer of New York had been caught on a federal wiretap arranging to meet a prostitute in Washington, I called the Clinton campaign to get a reaction from Hillary.  Unfortunately, her deputy assistant communications director in charge of blogger relations, Brad Roachly, refused to let me speak with Hillary.  I asked why not and was told that I was just a minor blogger not worth his or her time.  I accused him of refusing to let me speak with his boss because I had written pro-Obama blog posts, but he denied having ever read my blog and assured me that Hillary wouldn’t have spoken with me even if I had written that Obama was a Muslim with three secret wives (in addition to Michelle) living in his grandmother’s house in Kenya.  I asked him Obama did have three more wives in Kenya.  He replied “Not as far as I know.”

Anyway, here is my interview with Hillary as I think it might have gone if she had actually spoken with me:

RB: Thanks for speaking with me, Senator Clinton.

HC: Just call me Hillary, RB.  We weren’t friends before this interview, but I’m sure we’ll be friends by the time we’re done.

RB: Thanks, Hillary. What is your reaction to the Times article reporting that Governor Spitzer was involved with a high-price prostitution ring?

HC: Well, naturally I feel tremendous sympathy for his wife having been in a similar position.  My prayers go out to Eliot, his wife, Silda, and the rest of their family.

RB: Do you believe that the charges against Governor Spitzer are true?

HC: Well, I have no evidence one way or the other, but he is a man.

RB: What do you mean by that, Hillary?

HC: Well, I’ve learned through personal experience — that the whole country knows about of course — that men, even good men, have certain vulgar impulses and desires that they find incredibly hard to control.  So, Eliot could easily been overcome and lead astray by his urges.

RB: Are you suggesting that all men are subject to these urges?

HC: Of course not.  I mean that’s  … you know, I have no basis for saying that all men are like that. But many probably are.

RB: Do you think Senator Obama is subject to these urges?

HC: Oh, I’m sure he is.  But please don’t take that the wrong way.  I doubt he’s ever acted out his urges, that is, if he even has them.  And I’m not saying he does have any urges, other than the urge to serve his country before he’s ready.

RB: But you’re suggesting that he could have urges similar to those that Governor Spitzer and your own husband demonstrated. Aren’t you?

HC: Right, right.  He could have these urges.

RB: Are you aware of any other urges he might have?

HC: No. Not really.  I wouldn’t really want to speculate about any urges he might have to gamble, drink, or do drugs.  I mean, we know he did do drugs as a kid, but he’s indicated that he’s stayed clean the last 20 years and I take him at his word that he’s done with all that.

RB: You mean with drugs, drinking, and gambling?

HC: And anything else he might have been guilty of.

RB: Such as?

HC: Well, any strange rituals he might have learned growing up with Muslims in foreign countries.  I trust he’s given those up and won’t introduce any of them into the White House.

RB: Are you worried that he might bring other things into the White House that don’t belong there?

HC: No, not really.  I don’t think he would bring a Koran with him to the Oval Office.  Not that there would be anything wrong with him bringing it into the Executive Residence.

RB: Why are you suggesting that he would bring a Koran to the White House? You recently denied in a 60 Minutes Interview that Senator Obama is a Muslim.

HC: That’s true. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t own a Koran.  He might have been given one as a gift or he might have purchased one to learn about his roots.

RB: Are you saying that it would be wrong for Senator Obama  or anyone else to bring a Koran into the Oval Office?

HC: No. No. It wouldn’t be wrong.  But I’m not sure the American people would be comfortable with that.  You know, RB, there are many things that we sophisticated Big State Democrats are comfortable with that ordinary Americans in small states are not.  When I’m President, I will be sensitive to their sensibilities.

RB: Wouldn’t Senator Obama be sensitive about that too, Hillary?

HC: Oh, I’m sure he would be — as far as he could be.  But sensitivity is something that takes a long time to fully learn and Barack is a young man.  He might be sensitive enough in 8 years to be President, but I’ll be sensitive on Day One.

RB: I’d like to get back to the question of prostitution.  You said that Senator Obama could have the same urges as Governor Spitzer.  Are you worried that Senator Obama would bring prostitutes to the White House if he were elected President?

HC: No, I’m not that worried about it.  I’ve met Michelle Obama and know she’s a tough one.

RB: So, you think his fear of being caught by Michelle would stop him?

HC: Well, she’s not afraid to speak her mind.  She did say she had not been proud of her country until people started voting for her husband.

RB: Did you find that unpatriotic?

HC: I’d rather not say. I think the American people can judge that for themselves.  Michelle is a lovely person and was probably just under a lot of stress.

RB: Why is that?

HC: I mean, she must be very nervous about Barack actually winning this race.  Not that I’ll let that happen.

RB: Why would she be nervous about his winning the race?

HC: Isn’t that obvious, RB?

RB: Not to me.

HC: That’s because you’re a nice Liberal Blogger.  You might have a hard time believing it, but there are still people in this country who do not want to see a Black man in the White House except in the movies.

RB: Are you saying someone like that might try to assassinate him?

HC: It’s certainly something to fear.  After all, the Secret Service can’t guarantee the safety of a President if he takes risks.

RB: You mean risks like visiting prostitutes?

HC: Well, that would certainly be a risk, both to Barack and Michelle.

RB: But do you think Barack would actually do that?

HC: Oh, I don’t think he would.  But I can’t say with certainty that he wouldn’t.

RB: Can you guarantee that there won’t be any more sex scandals in the White House if you’re elected President?

HC: Oh, I can guarantee that.  There won’t be any sex at all in my White House. 

RB: Thanks for taking the time to speak with me, Hillary.

HC: Anytime.  You know I’m very other-focused, so I’m glad I could help you with your blog today.  Let me know if you need me to deny any more rumours about Barack.

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